Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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