Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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