we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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