Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
