Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Oh god it's open bar.
FUCK WHALES
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
