i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize