I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
