So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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