1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
