I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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