remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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