nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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