i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
