walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
