you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
