My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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