She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
