My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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