neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
