My balls are so social today.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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