Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
