Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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