she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
