yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
