I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
