He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
