would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
