I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
