I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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