i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
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I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
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The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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