she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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