god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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