Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
