Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
