Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
