Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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