You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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