can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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