just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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