When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
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Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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