This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
