Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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