do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
