my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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