Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
