he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
