Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
