Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm too high and old for this...
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
