I smell stomach acid.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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