so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
