I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think I sprained my soul last night
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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