On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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