so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
