I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
