her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
