we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
