I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
This is my gift to your gina
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
