Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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