you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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